Dear Jeffery

So I have this friend: Jeff Swindle. One the persons who I respect most in the world...I know that is a sweeping statement...but at the same time it is a true statement. And Jeff has posed a question which I would like to answer.

The question is:

So, men of BYU, I ask you the same question - how can we expect our wives to stay at home if we wouldn’t be willing to do the same? And women of BYU, do you need that “intellectual stimulus” or are you satisfied with the “traditional” role of housekeeper? (which is, I might add, the noblest of duties).

Read the entire article HERE.

My answer: LONG of course

Dear Jeffery,

First of all I want to question your question. (Of course I won't just stick to the question that has been addressed to me as a woman of BYU)

I question your use of the word expect. I think too often we expect things. We expect someone to act a certain way or think within certain parameters. This expectation is, what I believe, the root of the complex.

I hesitate when someone expects me to do this or do that or be this way or that way. Expectations are very dangerous. However at the same time I believe expectation is how we organize our world.

Think about it. Expectations help us succeed. When we take classes we are expected to meet certain criteria to fulfill requirements to have success. Expectations motivate us. I expect myself to behave in certain ways to fulfill religious beliefs, personal beliefs, and family beliefs.

So expectation is not all bad.

However think of the times when your expectations have not been met. This usually equals disappointment. NOT GOOD.

So is expectation good or bad?

Well how I would answer is both. (OF COURSE I WOULD ANSWER LIKE THAT)

Expectation becomes bad when there is a lack of understanding.

Let’s take your example and run with it.

The characters include boy and girl. However many instances may ensue:

#1: GOOD

Boy expects girl to stay home.
Girl expects to stay home.
Girl expects boy to work.
Boy expects to work.

#2: NOT SO GOOD

Boy expects girl to stay home.
Girl expects to work.
Girl expects boy to work
Boy expects to work.

#3: LOTS OF MISUNDERSTANDING

Boy expects girl to work.
Girl expects to work.
Girl expects boy to stay home.
Boy expects to work.

You obviously can fill in all of the gaps.

My personal opinion, which is all I can give, is that when expectations align expectations are good. When expectations do not align expectations are bad.

So my answer to your posed question is: It depends on the couple.

I have found that everyone has an OPINION. This is great…fabulous, I love sharing. But too often we shove our opinions on others. This is not so great…NOT fabulous.

So here is my opinion, take it or leave it: Couples should work this out between themselves. Preferably before they are married and have kids (hopefully you don't marry someone who has unreal or skewed expectations about you). The same model is not going to work for everyone, so TALK; COMMUNICATE. You can even experiment and find what works best for YOUR family. But BE HONEST. If it is not working; it is not working.

SO my overall answer is let each couple figure it out for themselves (hopefully their goals and expectations align). A collective answer just won't work.

ALSO I hope everyone can remember...don't judge and expect what works for you will work for others...it might, but that doesn't mean it ALWAYS does. What matters if people are happy...so let them be happy.

My personal answer is a little more complicated and is what I think might work for ME:

I love school. School and learning is what I do. I mean I have been quoted saying something to the fact that I could go to school the rest of my life and be happy (BTW my internship mentor advised against that). However, I also believe in my future role as a mother and wife.

There have been plenty of times when I have struggled with the ideas of going to med school,enrolling in master's or doctorate programs, and building a career in my areas of interest simply because yes I have a desire to be a mom. I try to balance the idea of doing both in my head ALL the time...ok maybe not ALL of the time...but more than you would think. I have yet to come up with the perfect answer.

My answer before would have been: I have to be a working mom. I love school and learning too much to let it go.

However, these past few weeks have been very insightful. I have been living at home playing mom. I do all the things a mom would do for a household or in my case a family of three. I take the kids (well my mom) to school. I clean the house. I grocery shop. I do the laundry. I cook dinner. I mow the lawn. I tend to the garden. I make sure we have FHE and scripture study. And the list goes on. As much as I miss school, I like what I do and I think once I have kids I will like it more because when you teach (I WILL be teaching my kids) you learn; you have to or you will be a very bad teacher).

Now don't get me wrong yes I miss school and I miss work. But there is something fulfilling about managing a house.

So when I meet that one guy who I decide to spend the rest of life with (yes that is kind of mushy) we will decide together. Because I feel I could do both. I would love to be able to work and still be a mom, but I would also love simply being a mom. We will decide together what is best for our family and what will be the most fulfilling.

I will have what I would like which is yeah I would like to have a career...but I won't have it if it compromises my family.

So in the end my answer is: just wait and see. We will make the decision together like hopefully we will make every other decision.

Alright that was the LONGEST answer...whew...A+ to all of you who made it through...I didn't expect you to though.

So tell me...what do you think?

much love,

b.

P.S.

Sorry for all of mispellings...it was a long documents...please forgive!